february 21, 2011

Some people think that you can't miss something that you never had. I think that even without physically having something to hold, its hard to grasp the idea of what like would have been like with it. Getting it through my head that life will go on is the hardest part for me.

I know that February 21, 2011 will be a hard day for us. It was the day that our little one was supposed to be due. Our miscarriage was on June 10. I had to go into my reproductive endocrinologist the next day only to find out that I was indeed pregnant, as I had suspected, and that for some reason that only God knows, the embryo didn't implant as it should have.

It was beyond the hardest day I have ever had. Something we have been longing for was right in front of us and we were not able to have it. It hurts to want something so badly and not be able to have it. I sometimes question the Father above - why me? Why now? Why NOT now?

I started reading a book that a friend recommended to help through his hurtful time. "Hearing Jesus Speak Through Your Sorrows." Ultimately He knows what you are feeling, He gave you those feelings, and Jesus suffered the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. Sometimes all that is easier said that actually comprehended.

I thank God for wonderful friends that also suffer from PCOS and are able to give encouraging words in this time of sorrow. I thank God for a wonderful doctor who also has PCOS who is able to medically give me light at the end of this dark tunnel. I thank God for a wonderful husband, who no matter what, is always right there giving me encouragement. I thank God for an incredible son that He blessed me with - I have learned the hard way not to take him for granted.

I pray God will make February 21, 2011 go very smoothly and heal my heart before the day approaches. I pray God will continue to encourage me to be the wife and mother I need to be. I pray God will use me for others who need encouragement in their time of struggles to get pregnant. I pray that I may serve Him always.

I went to the doctor again this morning. This month's attempt for ovulation induction was a failure as well. We go back on Monday for another sonogram to make sure nothing has changed and then move into an IUI next month. Please keep us in your prayers as we go for yet another emotional and stressful attempt to give Corbin a sibling!

praise You in this storm

I was sure by now, God,

that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away,

stepped in and saved the day.

But once again,

I say amen

and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear

You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you."

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

how can I carry on

if I can't find You

And as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you."

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away.

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth

‘Praise You In This Storm’ – Casting Crowns