moving on - again!

Well, IUI #3 was a fail as well. I was supposed to go for all my labs this morning to determine if I was pregnant or not, but I started my period last Thursday instead. It was a rough day. Not only that, but it was my last day at my job, so it made for an emotional day!! And coming off all the hormone medications don't help - I'm a negative Nancy and a sad Sandy, all at the same time!!

So, time to move on. It’s been a long 14 months with 10 failed fertility treatments to date. We are going to take a break for a few months. I’m emotionally and physically drained.

We have ordered all the meds to do our first IVF (in-vitro fertilization) in the early spring, but we can always change our minds once we get there. The great part is working for my fertility specialist, she is going to waive all the professional fees - that's a huge $$ saver! Such a blessing if we decide to go that route.

I was watching Giulianna & Bill today on TV though, and IVF scares me now! She had so many problems with her egg retrieval and wound up being in the hospital for days - yikes! I know there is risk with any procedure, but that is just scary!

Anyway - we had a blessed Christmas and I have been reminded just how important and special Corbin is to me. He truly is my miracle baby and a blessing more than words can say!

take 3

I went to Dr Lawrence's on Friday and she said based on the sonogram that we were ready for our next insemination. That afternoon I took oral estrogen to build the lining of my uterus so it was nice and "cushy" for the embryo to implant and then I did my HCG trigger injection that night. 36 hours later, - Sunday @ 9am (yesterday) - we did IUI #3 and praying that 3rd time is a charm. I have prayed to God that His will be done, whatever that maybe - baby or not. The next two weeks will be a long wait again, but also hoping that with the holiday's I don't have time to think about it. We will find out on Monday, December 27th if we are pregnant. It would be the best Christmas present ever, but like I said, its whatever God has planned for us that we will accept.

hello december!

We are a go for IUI #3 sometime next week. I started all my injections and meds again last Thursday and I have my first sonogram this Friday. This will be our final fertility treatment as we are about financially capped out. We will either try again when Chad graduates law school in May 2012 or adopt at that time. We will see where the Lord leads us. For now, here is praying that 3rd time is a charm!!

AND - HUGE NEWS!!! I got a new job! I wasn't looking - it really just fell into my lap and I couldn't be more excited. I have loved working for my brother-in-law the last 6 years. Being in the medical field has been such a blessing and has really opened doors for me. Dr Lawrence, my fertility specialist, called me and told me that she wanted me to be her Practice Manager. It did take a lot of thought and consideration, more because I was scared of change than anything else, but last Tuesday I decided that this was the right decision for me and my family at this time. I start with her of January 3 and will finish out this month with Family Centered Medical Group and help get the new Practice Manager trained and stable!

If you had asked me 6 months ago to take a position where lots of women were getting pregnant and I wasn't - there was no way that I could have done it. Being a patient of Dr Lawrence and having PCOS in common with her has been such a support for me. I know that God is putting me in her office for a reason, even if to minister to other women who are struggling and fertility treatments may not be working for them as well. I see it as an opportunity to grow and nurture, to teach and help, and I can't wait!!!

moving on -

I had an HSG a few weeks ago. So glad that the results came back normal and that there are no other reproductive organ issues:-) I have a few more tests with my fertility Dr this week and then we will asses where to go from there. We are thinking we will try one more IUI and then be done. IVF doesn't really seem like its an option for us at this point, but I guess we won't know for sure until we are there and have to make that decision.

a year of trying

"Take 2" was not successful either:-(  I'm crushed inside - still hurting and wishing things were different.  I'm starting to believe that it’s never going to happen.  Although, I'm also starting to believe that I'm done trying and that Corbin is going to be the light of my world.  Everyone always says to me, "At least you have Corbin."  Yes, that is true, but that doesn't make it any easier to not be able to get pregnant with another child.

1 year ago this month we started trying for baby #2.  It has been a long, emotional, tiring year!  See the new timeline on the side of my page with the month to month details of what we have been doing to have another baby.

We are taking a month off to have an HSG .  It has been scheduled for this coming Friday, Oct 22 @ 7.30am.  I have heard that it’s a very uncomfortable, awkward procedure, but I will do it anyway and see what it shows.  Dr Lawrence is worried that something may be out of place since I had a c-section with Corbin.  Because I have been pregnant and carried a child to term, maybe there is something now wrong with my tubes or I have too much scar tissue in my uterus.  This test will show those results and from there we will know how to proceed.

Praying for peace of mind and a sense of comfort!!

take 2

"Take 2" will be on Thursday morning @ 10am.

I'm hopeful, but defiantly not as hopeful as Take 1 as that one did not work and I now know that its completely possible for them to fail. Yet, still hopeful! I haven't been quite as anxious about the procedure this month as last, as I now know what to expect and what the outcome could hold. The disappointment is so hard - so it will only make a positive light that much better, right?

Just like last month - praying that God will give us a peace about the situation, let us realize that the outcome is His will and we can only help the situation so far by taking these measure. The next two weeks waiting to see if this results in a pregnancy will be rough AGAIN, so I pray that HE will provide an understanding and comfort during this stressful and emotional time.

protecting my heart

I don't know how many of you watched this most recent season of 'The Bachelorette" - Ali's Season - but there was some weirdo on there that got a heart and shield tattoo for her and said that he would "guard and protect her heart" always. LAME! I was so glad to see him go - so glad she didn't fall for his 5 word antics!

However, the more I thought about that statement, the more I realized how much I am like that and I always want to protect my heart, guard my feelings, and keep the faith. Every month I have to wonder if what I'm putting my body though is worth it, just to be let down by something that didn't happen that I wanted so badly.

You guessed it - IUI #1 was a failure! :-(

I keep telling myself to stay strong, maybe #2 will work better, 3rd time is a charm, its God's timing - but really when you are down its hard to see the greatness that the Lord provides, even though I am beyond blessed! But I do keep marching on in His glory, knowing the faith I have will pull me through.

We start round 2 today with the doctor and start all the medications, oral and injections, tomorrow. It will be another long month, but hopefully one that will pay off soon!!

waiting, waiting,waiting - -

The IUI Thursday went really well.  I was home from work on Thursday and Friday resting since the procedure came with some cramping.  All in a days work for making a baby:-)

Now is the hard part - waiting 2 weeks to find out if the IUI worked and resulted in a pregnancy. Thank goodness I have wonderful friends who are constantly trying to distract me with shopping trips, lunch dates, play dates, and sweet text messages!  I really am a lucky girl!

So here's to waiting -and waiting - and waiting - and waiting:-)

take 1

September 1st already!  Where has the year gone?!?  I am ready for cooler weather though, for sure!

Well - we are ready for what I'm referring to as "Take 1" tomorrow morning @ 9am.  I'm hoping that Take 1 will work and we won't have to do a Take 2, 3 or 4!!  What is this I am referring to you ask??

IUI - In-Uterine Insemination

WOW - never thought I would be trying to have a baby that way - but here we are.  After 2 long weeks of injectible medication, sonograms every day, blood work every week - we got the go from the doctor yesterday morning that two of my follicles had developed as needed and we were ready to trigger them to release eggs.  I took another injection last night of HCG and 36 hours later we will be inseminating those eggs and hopefully they will fertilize and become another beautiful member of our family!

Praying that God will give us a peace about the situation, let us realize that the outcome is His will and we can only help the situation so far by taking these measures.  The next two weeks waiting to see if this results in a pregnancy will be rough, so I pray that HE will provide an understanding and comfort during this stressful and emotional time.

Thanks to those of you who have texted and emailed - I appreciate all your kind words and thoughts and prayers more than you will ever know!

hope now

When my life is like a storm

Rising waters all I want is the shore

You say I'll be ok

Make it through the rain

You are my shelter my from the storm

Everything rides on hope now

Everything rides on faith somehow

When the world has broken me down

Your love sets me free

‘Hope Now’ by Addison Road

Well - I have finally "Let Go and Let God" as my doctor puts it.  I know that whatever happens this month with our fertility treatment is in His hands and He is the ultimate decider.  Although I have been more disappointed in the last 10 months than I can recall - the Hope that things will be easier and brighter soon keep me going.

I have started giving myself injections in my stomach every night - so incredibly painful!!  I'm also on another oral ovulation induction medication.  I have started going to the doctor every other day for a sonogram to see if I'm having any follicular growth.  Once one of them is big enough, I will do another trigger injection and we will schedule and IUI (In-Uterine Insemination) 36 hours later.  Never thought I would be going this far with medical intervention, but here were are - HOPING that it will work and my body will respond to this treatment and procedure.

Until then, I will just have HOPE NOW -

i'm waiting...

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve you while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

‘While I’m Waiting’ - John Waller

Another month of waiting patiently for results has come to an end, yet again, with negative results. This is truly one of the most painful times in our lives, yet Chad and I are standing together to keep believing that God has bigger and better plans for us if having another child is not His will. We are still waiting patiently (at times) to see God's reveal to us - and we will continue to worship and serve Him in our time of struggle.

We have decided to try one more month - I know we keep saying that, but we are sure this time that we will try one more different treatment option and then take a break for a while.  It’s so emotional and I just hate the heartbreak at the end of every month. I will continue to keep you updated on our progress and hopefully next month's post will be a happier one!

Thank you for all your continued prayers! We appreciate those of you who have sent kind words of encouragement and prayer. They really do help us knowing that we are not alone!

february 21, 2011

Some people think that you can't miss something that you never had. I think that even without physically having something to hold, its hard to grasp the idea of what like would have been like with it. Getting it through my head that life will go on is the hardest part for me.

I know that February 21, 2011 will be a hard day for us. It was the day that our little one was supposed to be due. Our miscarriage was on June 10. I had to go into my reproductive endocrinologist the next day only to find out that I was indeed pregnant, as I had suspected, and that for some reason that only God knows, the embryo didn't implant as it should have.

It was beyond the hardest day I have ever had. Something we have been longing for was right in front of us and we were not able to have it. It hurts to want something so badly and not be able to have it. I sometimes question the Father above - why me? Why now? Why NOT now?

I started reading a book that a friend recommended to help through his hurtful time. "Hearing Jesus Speak Through Your Sorrows." Ultimately He knows what you are feeling, He gave you those feelings, and Jesus suffered the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. Sometimes all that is easier said that actually comprehended.

I thank God for wonderful friends that also suffer from PCOS and are able to give encouraging words in this time of sorrow. I thank God for a wonderful doctor who also has PCOS who is able to medically give me light at the end of this dark tunnel. I thank God for a wonderful husband, who no matter what, is always right there giving me encouragement. I thank God for an incredible son that He blessed me with - I have learned the hard way not to take him for granted.

I pray God will make February 21, 2011 go very smoothly and heal my heart before the day approaches. I pray God will continue to encourage me to be the wife and mother I need to be. I pray God will use me for others who need encouragement in their time of struggles to get pregnant. I pray that I may serve Him always.

I went to the doctor again this morning. This month's attempt for ovulation induction was a failure as well. We go back on Monday for another sonogram to make sure nothing has changed and then move into an IUI next month. Please keep us in your prayers as we go for yet another emotional and stressful attempt to give Corbin a sibling!

praise You in this storm

I was sure by now, God,

that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away,

stepped in and saved the day.

But once again,

I say amen

and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear

You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you."

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

how can I carry on

if I can't find You

And as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you."

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away.

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth

‘Praise You In This Storm’ – Casting Crowns

praising Him for my blessings:-)

When I was a little girl I dreamed of the day that I would wear a big poofy dress and get married, the day where I would wear the black graduation gown and get my college degree, the day I would wear a hospital gown and give birth to my children - yes, plural, children! I however never dreamed of the day these words would enter my vocabulary.

Sonogram

Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)

Infertility

Clomid

Blood work

Clomid

Blood work

Clomid

Blood work

Sonogram

HCG Trigger Injections

Blood work

Miscarriage :-(

Uterine Biopsy

Sonogram

Letrozole

Sonogram

Sonogram

HCG Trigger Injections

Blood work

Whew - exhausting and emotionally draining! 7 months of trying to have another baby and 5 months of fertility treatments. For us in our marriage, this is our struggle. We have been blessed enough to not have financial problems (and pray we never do), we have not had to experience the loss of a parent or sibling (thank goodness), but yet we have had to grieve the loss of an unborn child. The statistics are so high for miscarriages, most women experience one in their lifetime. And 1 out of 10 women have fertility problems.

We tried for 2 years before we conceived Corbin. At that time we had no idea that I was having fertility issues. I had always had irregular periods and always chalked it up to being athletic and thin. Thin until I got married and started eating whatever I wanted - but that's another story!! Its when we finally "gave up" trying to have a baby and took at 6 month break that we were blessed with our miracle baby! We built a house and bam! Knocked up:-) I went into a Reproductive Endocrinologist to see why I had been having a hard time conceiving and I found out via sonogram that I was already 6 weeks pregnant with my first blessing!! And what a blessing he has been to me - almost 2 years old and I can't imagine my life without him!!! I can't sing his praises enough:-)

Also, Thank God I have the best, most supportive husband to help me through all this. I'm so blessed to have him!

We started trying in November 2009 to give him a sibling knowing that it would take a while. Little did we know it would take this long and counting. We went back to the same Reproductive Endocrinologist to follow up and that is when the diagnosis came - PCOS - yikes!  All this means is I don't ovulate. If I do, as in the case of Corbin, its random and sporadic. There is no rhyme or reason, just random. We did 3 rounds/months of fertility treatments with him before we decided that we needed to move on.

I'm now seeing the most wonderful RE and she is amazing, hopeful, and aggressive! She too is a PCOS patient, she went through the same treatments I am in order to get her son, and she is such a blessing to have in my life right now.

Even with all these wonderful blessings in my life, every month is a disappointment when my period comes. I cry, I get depressed, I get mad, upset, frustrated! I think the strength of the Lord is my safe place right now and He keeps me going. I just have to keep reminding myself that the Lord works in His own timing and maybe He has other plans for the Richwine Family.

So - here we are - standing on the edge of another month - not knowing the results. I pretty much had to have many breakdowns before I have hit the place I am at today. We will just keep trucking - keep praying, keep believing, and keep hoping that soon we will be blessed with another miracle:-)