wednesday's words

I think that I have the best friends in the world - no lie!  I keep getting so many wonderful emails from friends reading my blog that are so encouraging and supportive.  Thank you, K, for making my day and sending me your words - they are wonderful, just like you!!

(just a few excerpts): 

There really are no magic words that will make you feel better, nor any amount of time that will make it easier. It's a journey. Some journeys are short, some are long, some are smooth, others are rough. But in all journeys we learn new things and make memories. The learning you are doing about yourself, God, friends, feelings that go with infertility are teaching you so much. The memories you are making will be with you forever. Although I know you wish to be making memories with a new baby right now, the memories that you have of this time, these feelings, the insights you now have are going to shape you into the person God wants you to be!

Keep teaching others through your story. Let your journey make you stronger!

There is a baby waiting for you! God has it written in your story. He has a destination in mind for the journey you are on! I'm sure it's a beautiful place; the place where you are headed. I'm so happy you are cherishing these moments with Corbin! There will be a day when you have another baby and there will be sadness that you will no longer only be able to give your undivided attention to that sweet boy. Keep enjoying every moment!! Do your best to enjoy your journey - even when it's rough and bumpy! You are a light to so many right now!!! 

wednesday's words

the shirt that i will be wearing the entire month of september for PCOS awareness month!

lessons learned

If there is one thing that I have learned the past few days, it’s that I don’t want to be insensitive to other friends who are struggling with infertility if/when I get pregnant.  I know that it will be the most exciting time ever for me, and probably a little scary too hoping that I don’t miscarry, or even shocking to think that after almost 2 years of trying for another child that I actually am pregnant. 

I have been the friend on the other side this week.  This week I’m the one crying because I never thought that I would have to actually face the reality that they are pregnant and I am not since we have been on this journey together for a year together now.  I am so incredibly happy for my dear friend on her long desired pregnancy!  I’m so glad that I was the one she called when she found out that she was pregnant!!  I hope that I can be the support and friend that she needs to be to help her with her joys, her anxieties, her fears, and excitements!

I know this time should be a time all about her and how she is feeling, but please allow me to be selfish for just a moment….. what about how I’m feeling? At what point do I get to stop being strong for a moment and just let down my guard – let myself realize that its all going to be ok no matter what?  I want to be that person who is sensitive to both sides.  I know that I will be excited for me, but I also want to make sure that my infertile friends are ok to.  It’s a very emotional time for us too – another friend pregnant and realizing that I’m still the only one not pregnant.  Whew!  If anyone knows that journey, that is me over the last year an a half!!

I’m not upset.  I’m not discouraged.  I’m not jealous.  I’m not even uncomfortable in the newly created situation.  I just feel alone – like I have lost a friend who once understood where I was coming from and what I felt.  I feel like its now it’s the “you will understand when you are pregnant” mentality.  That’s what hurts the most.

So new lesson learned: I will rejoice in my excitement when the day comes, but I will be sensitive to the feeling of others, just as I would hope they would do for me.  A little like the Golden Rule, huh?

And now I will have a large glass of red wine and enjoy the evening with my blessingJ  Who needs to be pregnant when you have your little man next to you watching Diego and a drink in hand?? – Haha!  (There is my “im trying to be ok” coping mechanism!!)

moment of weakness

Disclaimer:  raw, hard, emotional truths – may come across negatively.

As I tell others about our infertility struggle, the one comment that most people tell me is how strong I am all the time about our journey.  How strong and positive I can be through this hard struggle that most people don’t understand.    I would like to say that I am that strong person that I portray all the time to the outer world, but I’m not.  As I sit here writing there are tears streaming down my face for reasons unknown.  There are days like today where I feel defeated, when 3 more people all post on Facebook that they are pregnant, when I feel utterly alone and sad, when I feel like I don’t belong.  Do they know how lucky they are to be able to conceive?  Did they too struggle getting pregnant?  Did they really want to get pregnant or was it just an “oops” moment?  All these questions go running through my head, when really does it matter?  NO!  The truth is – all pregnancies are blessing, no matter what.  I just wish that it was my blessing at times.  Yes, I’m being self centered.  It’s just so hard when you want something so bad and you can’t have it.

So I can tell you, that no matter how strong I appear, I do have my weak moments – moments of feeling like I’m not good enough and moments of feeling like I wish I had more, that I was so much deserving of more.

Then walks in my amazing 3 year old as I sit here typing this blog entry, wanting me and only me.   He wants my protection and attention, my love and my guidance.  So then, I am his constant in his life and I have to be strong for that!  God then reminds me that I am here for one reason, and that is him and my husband, my loving and accepting family.  They don’t care that I have PCOS; they don’t care that I can’t get pregnant with another child; they accept me for who I am and what I can provide for them.  God’s grace is sufficient for me.

And then there are moments like right now as I finish this blog post, after I have taken a few moments to hold little man tight, that I thank God for all I have - I am totally content, totally at peace, and totally comfortable with my life and just so blessed to be where I am at.  Is this an emotional rollercoaster?  ABSOLUTLY!  Do I wish it on anyone else?  ABSOLUTLY NOT!  So maybe I should take those comments from friends about how strong I am and keep reminding myself that I probably am, I’m just really too hard on myself.

I am strong and I will keep on fighting for what I want~

wednesday's words

Blessed are the ones who understand
We’ve got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You

And it all seems upside down

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

I don’t know how long this will last
I’m praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that
Has ever happened to me

FALL APART - Josh Wilson

lifestyle changes

I had a 2 week follow up with my Dr on Friday to see how I was tolerating my new diabetes meds that I was put on.  Things are going well, so she went ahead and upped the dosage.  I will follow up again in 2 weeks on the meds.  I also had some lab work done to check my glucose levels.  They are now within normal range!  Who knew that 2 weeks on this new & strict diet and a little medication could help so drastically!  Amazed!

1 month ago, before I went through all my pre-natal labs and found out that I was diabetic, I made an appointment with a highly recommended dietician just to re-evaluate what I was eating and to get suggestions on weight management for my PCOS.  I was completely offended when she told me that I have been living on a toxic diet all my life and that I was extremely overweight – I knew I was, but to hear it hurts!  So, that day I went cold turkey on a lot of things and totally changed my eating so that I could get healthy before we started IVF.  I have been on so many diets in my life – they never work.  So I decided to not call it a diet, but a lifestyle change to better my health!

So last Wednesday I went to my 3 week follow up with my dietician and to my surprise, between the combined new diagnoses and her helping with my eating, I’m actually seeing results from a lifestyle change that I think that I can stick to!  I am down 6 pounds, lost 4 pounds of fat, gained 2 pounds of muscle, and lost 1.2% of my body fat!  Whooohooo!!  My BMI even went down.  I love seeing results; is reassuring that I’m doing the right thing.

So now I just keep on with what I’m doing.  Need to stay motivated to keep working out, as that will just further my results.  Tomorrow I am meeting with another dietician from the Diabetes Center for more nutrition counseling so I can get a more firm grasp of things I can and can’t have.

Infertility update:  we are going to go ahead and do a sonohysterogram (SHG) with my next cycle.  It will check the inner lining of my uterus to make sure there are no abnormalities as to why an embryo could not implant.  Hope that everything is good, but that is the one thing that we haven’t checked, and since I had a c-section with C, there could be scar tissue preventing this from happening, on top of the PCOS.

Jeremiah 17:7 - “Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, And whose hope is the LORD.”

once upon a time

7 years ago I married the most wonderful man in the world!  

I'm so incredibly blessed!!

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

GOD GAVE ME YOU - Dave Barnes

wednesday's words

You must, You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

STRONG ENOUGH - Matthew West

so in love

when im having a bad day, thinking it can't get any worse and having a pitty party because i think my life situation is so horrible, all i have to do is look at amazing pictures like this to remind me how lucky and blessed i already am.  who could ask for anything more than these two good looking guys smiling back at them?  so in love - 

thank you anna, for more amazing family photos!  you always amaze me with your eye behind that camera!

www.laughlinhousephotography.com

shoes

for those of you who know me well, you know that shoes are my passion.  i love shoes.  all kinds of shoes.  i have a shoe collection.  all in clear boxes and stacked by color and style.  i love shoes. period. just love shoes!

through out the last few months, every time i start my period i become very upset and depressed.  yet another month going by and still no baby in my belly.  so what i have i turned to?  retail therapy.  shoes!  i know - its sick, but it does make me feel better.  i think that c is ready for me to get pregnant soon so that i stop buying shoes every 5-6 weeks when i get my period!  he has been so nice to support my shopping habit.  i think that my taste now needs to turn back to target shoes and not my personal favorite, tory burch!  haha!

so - here are a few of my favorites from the past few months that i am digging.  as you know---

I LOVE SHOES!!

these tory burch wedges are my most recent splurge.  i love orange and i thought they would be so much fun for the fall with jeans!

i got these back in may when i was in co for my sisters graduation and i forgot the flats that i was going to wear - so what did i do?  go and splurge on another pair of shoes - tory of course!!

i got these tory's back in february on my trip to mall of america for my friend m's birthday.  i actually got them in the leopard print, but couldn't find a picture of them online.  love them. i got them for our trip to puerto rico that we did in march.  i have worn them all summer and they are the most comfortable flip flop ever!

how could i resist these little tiny toms for c???  they are adorable.  he loves them!  i love them.  i love shoes!

i got these in coronado last month, but i have them in pink.  so comfortable.  highly recommend toms - best shoes for the best cause - one for one!!

i got these back in january to wear to a my friend j's baby shower.  as the most expensive pair of shoes i own, these vera wang's are also the most uncomfortable.  ah, the things we go through for fashion!!

thanks for joining me for my shoe safari!  hope you enjoyed seeing what is in my closet and what i get as my 'pick me up' for not having a baby right now.  oh what i would give for no more shoe splurges and a baby in my belly.  all in good time:-)  keeping the faith - and getting some awesome shoes a long the way!!

wednesday's words

i just got an email from a friend and i thought it was perfect for today's post.  thank you, j!  you have no idea how much your kind words meant to me today and how much i needed the encouragement and thoughts!

I just wanted to write and tell you that I bought a beautiful green muslin swaddling blanket the other day. It is my hope for the future that it will be wrapped around a beautiful baby(ies!) of yours. I plan to hold it while I pray for your journey and cover it with blessings. Know that I am always thinking about you.  Love you!