moment of weakness

Disclaimer:  raw, hard, emotional truths – may come across negatively.

As I tell others about our infertility struggle, the one comment that most people tell me is how strong I am all the time about our journey.  How strong and positive I can be through this hard struggle that most people don’t understand.    I would like to say that I am that strong person that I portray all the time to the outer world, but I’m not.  As I sit here writing there are tears streaming down my face for reasons unknown.  There are days like today where I feel defeated, when 3 more people all post on Facebook that they are pregnant, when I feel utterly alone and sad, when I feel like I don’t belong.  Do they know how lucky they are to be able to conceive?  Did they too struggle getting pregnant?  Did they really want to get pregnant or was it just an “oops” moment?  All these questions go running through my head, when really does it matter?  NO!  The truth is – all pregnancies are blessing, no matter what.  I just wish that it was my blessing at times.  Yes, I’m being self centered.  It’s just so hard when you want something so bad and you can’t have it.

So I can tell you, that no matter how strong I appear, I do have my weak moments – moments of feeling like I’m not good enough and moments of feeling like I wish I had more, that I was so much deserving of more.

Then walks in my amazing 3 year old as I sit here typing this blog entry, wanting me and only me.   He wants my protection and attention, my love and my guidance.  So then, I am his constant in his life and I have to be strong for that!  God then reminds me that I am here for one reason, and that is him and my husband, my loving and accepting family.  They don’t care that I have PCOS; they don’t care that I can’t get pregnant with another child; they accept me for who I am and what I can provide for them.  God’s grace is sufficient for me.

And then there are moments like right now as I finish this blog post, after I have taken a few moments to hold little man tight, that I thank God for all I have - I am totally content, totally at peace, and totally comfortable with my life and just so blessed to be where I am at.  Is this an emotional rollercoaster?  ABSOLUTLY!  Do I wish it on anyone else?  ABSOLUTLY NOT!  So maybe I should take those comments from friends about how strong I am and keep reminding myself that I probably am, I’m just really too hard on myself.

I am strong and I will keep on fighting for what I want~