february 21, 2011

Some people think that you can't miss something that you never had. I think that even without physically having something to hold, its hard to grasp the idea of what like would have been like with it. Getting it through my head that life will go on is the hardest part for me.

I know that February 21, 2011 will be a hard day for us. It was the day that our little one was supposed to be due. Our miscarriage was on June 10. I had to go into my reproductive endocrinologist the next day only to find out that I was indeed pregnant, as I had suspected, and that for some reason that only God knows, the embryo didn't implant as it should have.

It was beyond the hardest day I have ever had. Something we have been longing for was right in front of us and we were not able to have it. It hurts to want something so badly and not be able to have it. I sometimes question the Father above - why me? Why now? Why NOT now?

I started reading a book that a friend recommended to help through his hurtful time. "Hearing Jesus Speak Through Your Sorrows." Ultimately He knows what you are feeling, He gave you those feelings, and Jesus suffered the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. Sometimes all that is easier said that actually comprehended.

I thank God for wonderful friends that also suffer from PCOS and are able to give encouraging words in this time of sorrow. I thank God for a wonderful doctor who also has PCOS who is able to medically give me light at the end of this dark tunnel. I thank God for a wonderful husband, who no matter what, is always right there giving me encouragement. I thank God for an incredible son that He blessed me with - I have learned the hard way not to take him for granted.

I pray God will make February 21, 2011 go very smoothly and heal my heart before the day approaches. I pray God will continue to encourage me to be the wife and mother I need to be. I pray God will use me for others who need encouragement in their time of struggles to get pregnant. I pray that I may serve Him always.

I went to the doctor again this morning. This month's attempt for ovulation induction was a failure as well. We go back on Monday for another sonogram to make sure nothing has changed and then move into an IUI next month. Please keep us in your prayers as we go for yet another emotional and stressful attempt to give Corbin a sibling!

praise You in this storm

I was sure by now, God,

that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away,

stepped in and saved the day.

But once again,

I say amen

and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear

You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you."

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

how can I carry on

if I can't find You

And as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you."

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away.

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth

‘Praise You In This Storm’ – Casting Crowns

praising Him for my blessings:-)

When I was a little girl I dreamed of the day that I would wear a big poofy dress and get married, the day where I would wear the black graduation gown and get my college degree, the day I would wear a hospital gown and give birth to my children - yes, plural, children! I however never dreamed of the day these words would enter my vocabulary.

Sonogram

Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)

Infertility

Clomid

Blood work

Clomid

Blood work

Clomid

Blood work

Sonogram

HCG Trigger Injections

Blood work

Miscarriage :-(

Uterine Biopsy

Sonogram

Letrozole

Sonogram

Sonogram

HCG Trigger Injections

Blood work

Whew - exhausting and emotionally draining! 7 months of trying to have another baby and 5 months of fertility treatments. For us in our marriage, this is our struggle. We have been blessed enough to not have financial problems (and pray we never do), we have not had to experience the loss of a parent or sibling (thank goodness), but yet we have had to grieve the loss of an unborn child. The statistics are so high for miscarriages, most women experience one in their lifetime. And 1 out of 10 women have fertility problems.

We tried for 2 years before we conceived Corbin. At that time we had no idea that I was having fertility issues. I had always had irregular periods and always chalked it up to being athletic and thin. Thin until I got married and started eating whatever I wanted - but that's another story!! Its when we finally "gave up" trying to have a baby and took at 6 month break that we were blessed with our miracle baby! We built a house and bam! Knocked up:-) I went into a Reproductive Endocrinologist to see why I had been having a hard time conceiving and I found out via sonogram that I was already 6 weeks pregnant with my first blessing!! And what a blessing he has been to me - almost 2 years old and I can't imagine my life without him!!! I can't sing his praises enough:-)

Also, Thank God I have the best, most supportive husband to help me through all this. I'm so blessed to have him!

We started trying in November 2009 to give him a sibling knowing that it would take a while. Little did we know it would take this long and counting. We went back to the same Reproductive Endocrinologist to follow up and that is when the diagnosis came - PCOS - yikes!  All this means is I don't ovulate. If I do, as in the case of Corbin, its random and sporadic. There is no rhyme or reason, just random. We did 3 rounds/months of fertility treatments with him before we decided that we needed to move on.

I'm now seeing the most wonderful RE and she is amazing, hopeful, and aggressive! She too is a PCOS patient, she went through the same treatments I am in order to get her son, and she is such a blessing to have in my life right now.

Even with all these wonderful blessings in my life, every month is a disappointment when my period comes. I cry, I get depressed, I get mad, upset, frustrated! I think the strength of the Lord is my safe place right now and He keeps me going. I just have to keep reminding myself that the Lord works in His own timing and maybe He has other plans for the Richwine Family.

So - here we are - standing on the edge of another month - not knowing the results. I pretty much had to have many breakdowns before I have hit the place I am at today. We will just keep trucking - keep praying, keep believing, and keep hoping that soon we will be blessed with another miracle:-)