protecting my heart

I don't know how many of you watched this most recent season of 'The Bachelorette" - Ali's Season - but there was some weirdo on there that got a heart and shield tattoo for her and said that he would "guard and protect her heart" always. LAME! I was so glad to see him go - so glad she didn't fall for his 5 word antics!

However, the more I thought about that statement, the more I realized how much I am like that and I always want to protect my heart, guard my feelings, and keep the faith. Every month I have to wonder if what I'm putting my body though is worth it, just to be let down by something that didn't happen that I wanted so badly.

You guessed it - IUI #1 was a failure! :-(

I keep telling myself to stay strong, maybe #2 will work better, 3rd time is a charm, its God's timing - but really when you are down its hard to see the greatness that the Lord provides, even though I am beyond blessed! But I do keep marching on in His glory, knowing the faith I have will pull me through.

We start round 2 today with the doctor and start all the medications, oral and injections, tomorrow. It will be another long month, but hopefully one that will pay off soon!!

waiting, waiting,waiting - -

The IUI Thursday went really well.  I was home from work on Thursday and Friday resting since the procedure came with some cramping.  All in a days work for making a baby:-)

Now is the hard part - waiting 2 weeks to find out if the IUI worked and resulted in a pregnancy. Thank goodness I have wonderful friends who are constantly trying to distract me with shopping trips, lunch dates, play dates, and sweet text messages!  I really am a lucky girl!

So here's to waiting -and waiting - and waiting - and waiting:-)

take 1

September 1st already!  Where has the year gone?!?  I am ready for cooler weather though, for sure!

Well - we are ready for what I'm referring to as "Take 1" tomorrow morning @ 9am.  I'm hoping that Take 1 will work and we won't have to do a Take 2, 3 or 4!!  What is this I am referring to you ask??

IUI - In-Uterine Insemination

WOW - never thought I would be trying to have a baby that way - but here we are.  After 2 long weeks of injectible medication, sonograms every day, blood work every week - we got the go from the doctor yesterday morning that two of my follicles had developed as needed and we were ready to trigger them to release eggs.  I took another injection last night of HCG and 36 hours later we will be inseminating those eggs and hopefully they will fertilize and become another beautiful member of our family!

Praying that God will give us a peace about the situation, let us realize that the outcome is His will and we can only help the situation so far by taking these measures.  The next two weeks waiting to see if this results in a pregnancy will be rough, so I pray that HE will provide an understanding and comfort during this stressful and emotional time.

Thanks to those of you who have texted and emailed - I appreciate all your kind words and thoughts and prayers more than you will ever know!

hope now

When my life is like a storm

Rising waters all I want is the shore

You say I'll be ok

Make it through the rain

You are my shelter my from the storm

Everything rides on hope now

Everything rides on faith somehow

When the world has broken me down

Your love sets me free

‘Hope Now’ by Addison Road

Well - I have finally "Let Go and Let God" as my doctor puts it.  I know that whatever happens this month with our fertility treatment is in His hands and He is the ultimate decider.  Although I have been more disappointed in the last 10 months than I can recall - the Hope that things will be easier and brighter soon keep me going.

I have started giving myself injections in my stomach every night - so incredibly painful!!  I'm also on another oral ovulation induction medication.  I have started going to the doctor every other day for a sonogram to see if I'm having any follicular growth.  Once one of them is big enough, I will do another trigger injection and we will schedule and IUI (In-Uterine Insemination) 36 hours later.  Never thought I would be going this far with medical intervention, but here were are - HOPING that it will work and my body will respond to this treatment and procedure.

Until then, I will just have HOPE NOW -

i'm waiting...

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve you while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

‘While I’m Waiting’ - John Waller

Another month of waiting patiently for results has come to an end, yet again, with negative results. This is truly one of the most painful times in our lives, yet Chad and I are standing together to keep believing that God has bigger and better plans for us if having another child is not His will. We are still waiting patiently (at times) to see God's reveal to us - and we will continue to worship and serve Him in our time of struggle.

We have decided to try one more month - I know we keep saying that, but we are sure this time that we will try one more different treatment option and then take a break for a while.  It’s so emotional and I just hate the heartbreak at the end of every month. I will continue to keep you updated on our progress and hopefully next month's post will be a happier one!

Thank you for all your continued prayers! We appreciate those of you who have sent kind words of encouragement and prayer. They really do help us knowing that we are not alone!

february 21, 2011

Some people think that you can't miss something that you never had. I think that even without physically having something to hold, its hard to grasp the idea of what like would have been like with it. Getting it through my head that life will go on is the hardest part for me.

I know that February 21, 2011 will be a hard day for us. It was the day that our little one was supposed to be due. Our miscarriage was on June 10. I had to go into my reproductive endocrinologist the next day only to find out that I was indeed pregnant, as I had suspected, and that for some reason that only God knows, the embryo didn't implant as it should have.

It was beyond the hardest day I have ever had. Something we have been longing for was right in front of us and we were not able to have it. It hurts to want something so badly and not be able to have it. I sometimes question the Father above - why me? Why now? Why NOT now?

I started reading a book that a friend recommended to help through his hurtful time. "Hearing Jesus Speak Through Your Sorrows." Ultimately He knows what you are feeling, He gave you those feelings, and Jesus suffered the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. Sometimes all that is easier said that actually comprehended.

I thank God for wonderful friends that also suffer from PCOS and are able to give encouraging words in this time of sorrow. I thank God for a wonderful doctor who also has PCOS who is able to medically give me light at the end of this dark tunnel. I thank God for a wonderful husband, who no matter what, is always right there giving me encouragement. I thank God for an incredible son that He blessed me with - I have learned the hard way not to take him for granted.

I pray God will make February 21, 2011 go very smoothly and heal my heart before the day approaches. I pray God will continue to encourage me to be the wife and mother I need to be. I pray God will use me for others who need encouragement in their time of struggles to get pregnant. I pray that I may serve Him always.

I went to the doctor again this morning. This month's attempt for ovulation induction was a failure as well. We go back on Monday for another sonogram to make sure nothing has changed and then move into an IUI next month. Please keep us in your prayers as we go for yet another emotional and stressful attempt to give Corbin a sibling!

praise You in this storm

I was sure by now, God,

that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away,

stepped in and saved the day.

But once again,

I say amen

and it's still raining.

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear

You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you."

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

how can I carry on

if I can't find You

And as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you."

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away.

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth

‘Praise You In This Storm’ – Casting Crowns