change of heart

Why can't I just be happy with all I have been blessed with?? I keep going back and forth, up and down. One day I convince myself that I am totally content with my miracle baby that I have been blessed with- then the next day I'm wanting another child so desperately. I have been praying and praying that God would reveal His plan- but I think all I am doing is telling Him I'm impatient and I don't like His plans (and frankly, sometimes I don't). But it's a waiting game- 

My husband told me the other night that he didn't think he wanted anymore children. He said I have already given him all he could ever want and he wants to be able to financially provide for C. He also doesn't want to miss another little one grow up since he has been consumed with law school and work. I understand  all of his concerns, but at what point do I get what I want? (yes, this is me being selfish!)

If someone asked me what I was going to be when I grew up when I was a little girl it was one of two things- an astronaut or a mommy! At this point I think it would be easier to become an astronaut!!  Becoming a mommy shouldn't be this hard for someone who wants it more than anything!

So I will continue to pray. Pray that big C can explain to me so I can understand his change of heart. Pray that I continue to have strength to carry on day after day. Pray that God reveals his path someday somehow. Pray that I can be content knowing the Lord has a great plan. Pray that I stay focused as there are somedays I want to run so far away from my faith. Pray that "through Him, all things will give me strength."

party trick, anyone??

Ah – my lovely little uterus!  Its about the size of my fist.  And right now I would like to take my fist and punch the crap out of it so it would work properly!  And my ovaries.  And my tubes.  And my cervix – all the whole female reproductive anatomy that we women were blessed with.

I had my SHG (sonohystogram) and TET (trial embryo transfer) in the office last week.  This test is to make sure there are no abnormalities inside my uterus prior to IVF and so that the Dr can essentially “map-out” how far she needs to put the catheter before the embryo transfer so its right the first time.  HA – was I in for it!  I had talked to a few of our other patients who had been through it and they told me it was a piece of cake – really easy diagnostic procedure, just uncomfortable, but not painful.

Really? Do you have an “S” curvature to your cervix so that the catheter doesn’t go in properly??  Did the Dr make you cough just so that she could shove that little piece of plastic with a balloon on the end inside of you?  YIKES!  Lets just say that it wasn’t pleasant at all!!  I have a tricky cervix, so tricky that during my egg retrieval she will need to put a few stiches into it while I’m under anesthesia so that she can pull them down during transfer to make it straight.

Then, not only does my ovaries look like chocolate chip cookies (anyone hungry?) and my cervix is messed up, but my uterus apparently does party tricks!!  Oh yea, that’s right, just like a dog??  Its like a ‘Triple Dipper Deal’ at Chili’s – not only is it retro-verted back, but if you poke it enough it will fold on my C-section scar like a taco, AND if you keep messing with it, it flips forward to the place that it needs to be.  The bad part is, you never know what you are going to get, which is no good come embryo transfer day!  They will have me drinking water and peeing all day just to get the right combo of my bladder pushing on my uterus!  Good timesJ

So – IVF is the only way of going now. I feel like we have wasted the last 2 years trying all these methods that we thought were going to work, but haven’t due to all these issues that were unknown until now.  I know its for a reason and its all in God’s timing –He has an ultimate plan, its still just hard to be patient and wait.

We are set for stimulation on Thanksgiving weekend.  Praying that we can use the next few months of preparation to glorify Him and let His will be done through our entire journey.

Party tricks, anyone??  J

prayer request

Wow – the last week has been intense at work!  I honestly have come home crying every day for a few of our patients and have not felt like blogging about my mess because my situation seems so easy and much less important!

Please keep my friends, A & M, in your prayers.  They have both lost sweet little blessings this week.  Both were in the hospital because of ruptured ectopic pregnancies – something a Dr never hopes that they have to deal with because of the dangerous position it puts them in to have to potentially operate.  She did have to perform surgery on one of these patients, and they wound up loosing a fallopian tube because of this terrible pregnancy.  Dear Lord – please be with them in their time of loss and sorrow.  Through the grieving process please give them healing and strength that only you can provide!  Amen.

I think this is enough in itself for tonight.  Please focus on these dear sweet women and pray for them!

"i don't know how to tell you this, but..."

Ahh – that famous line! It could start one of many ways.  My favorite are “I don’t know how to tell you this, but…” or “I hate to tell you this…”  Either way, you know the minute someone starts a conversation like that it probably isn’t a good one, so go ahead and just lay the news one me.  Here are my favorite scenarios right now that I get a lot due to our sensitive life situation:

“I don’t know how to tell you this, but….  we are getting ready to start trying to have another baby!”

 Well YAY!  That’s so wonderful!!  It’s a very exciting time when a couple decides to bring a life into this world, into a loving and caring environment.  I wish nothing but the best for all my friends who are lucky enough to be able to conceive quickly and have multiple blessings in their family!!

“I don’t know how to tell you this, but…. we are pregnant!”

YAY!!  Even better.  Prayers are continuously sent your way during the entire pregnancy and I pray for a safe and quick arrival of that sweet little baby!

“I don’t know how to tell you this, but…. Your uterus is like a dog at a party that does tricks!”

 HAH!  This was defiantly my favorite from this past week.  Thanks to Dr L for making that awesome comparison between my uterus and a dog! HAH!  - I’m seriously still laughing!!  This was NOT good news, but at least we know what we are dealing with now.  I think that I need a whole separate post just on the results of some tests that I had this week just to tell you all about the party life of my uterus!!  

wednesday's words

I’m 0 weeks and craving a baby!!

Thank you, Facebook, for making women like me think that they are the only not getting pregnant!  There are days that I hate getting on Facebook because I always run across a few friends announcing their pregnancies.  As happy as I am, its sometimes hard to deal with 2-3 per day!! 

Last night my friend C posted on Facebook:  I’m 0 weeks and craving a baby!

Genius!!  Its exactly what I have been wanting to say and just can't get out!!  So that got me thinking about how many people this really is affecting and I found an article written by Rachel Gurevich on this exact 'game' that women are participating in:

"I really can't imagine any woman who either is currently dealing with infertility or has dealt with infertility participating in this new meme. Nor can I imagine any breast cancer survivor wanting to play along - especially those who have lost their fertility due to cancer or cancer treatments...... But this new meme - where essentially you give the impression that you're pregnant, when you're not - isn't funny. Not at all.  Given that breast cancer survivors often become infertile, I can't imagine that the creator of this meme thought things through. I'm hoping this meme will die out sooner than the others. I'm hoping that whoever comes up with these things comes up with something else, something less painful to those experiencing infertility, and especially less painful to cancer survivors who lost their fertility."


Maybe when I get brave enough I will post this as my status update:

''I'm 0 weeks and craving a baby!  Infertility affects 7.3 million people in the United States alone, affecting as many as 1 in 8 couples. Like me. Learn more about raising awareness for infertility.'

september is pcos awareness month

PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is estimated to affect as many as 5 to 7 million women of childbearing age in the United States alone. The most common symptoms include irregular periods and the development of fluid-filled cysts on a woman’s ovaries. It’s a tricky little disease, affecting fertility, weight, metabolism, skin, mood, and more. Women with PCOS face a greater risk for both Type II Diabetes and cardiovascular disease.

PCOS is one of the most common endocrine system disorders in the country and is often the most mis- or undiagnosed hormonal disorder.

PCOS is indeed a very public women’s health crisis.

Some of the biggest barrier issues to treatment is the misdiagnosis of its myriad symptoms. When many young women are finally diagnosed, they often haven’t even heard of PCOS and may not realize at first just how broad a spectrum of impact PCOS has on their health.

The more we talk about it, the greater the chances for early education and prevention. The earlier PCOS is detected, the better the chances for more comprehensive and accurate long-term care.